Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I Am A Mother.

Layenie, my wife, is a pediatric nurse.  In the US, RNs are trained to be proficient at all kinds of nursing and prepared for whatever comes up.  In the UK, where she was first educated in the nursing profession, candidates must choose a field of specialization, and Layenie chose pediatrics.  Consequently I feel very comfortable asking her questions about the health and development of our young sons.  They will turn one in January and are ahhh they are soooo adorable.  You can see them on my profile here, and another pic on the Tiny Grace Notes Facebook Community, and a ton of pics on my own FB page, oh and you can see Layenie on my Twitter... but I digress.  I might be digressing because the beginning of this post hurts a little to say.

It was the other evening, and I had been staying home with the boys, which I do once a week, because, you know, child care costs a lot, and also, as I said, adorable. Benjy was doing this thing with his hand which is very like something I also do with my own hand, so this is what I said, and although I am not usually able to hear myself, I can derive a proper quote from the ensuing conversation:

Ib: "See what Benjy's doing with his hand there....Is that OK?"

Layenie: "Yes, he's learning to wave, which is developmentally--wait. Wait a minute. Of course it's OK. Even if he's doing it just for fun or because it feels good, it's going to be OK, OK? You do things like that, and you're OK. Does it ruin your life?"

Ib: "Well..." (I was thinking about the past, about the hard things, about the things I didn't want my boy to have to live through, like school, if he is like me.)

Layenie: (As if she could hear the inside of my head, rapidly changing the scenery--) "How 'bout now? Does it ruin your life now?"

Ib: (Contemplating the Now, beaming, andd..... there goes my flappy hand) "No. My life is awesome."

Layenie: "I love your hands and I love you." (This made me cry tears of joy, and made me think.)

Then she carried on doing what she was doing with the kids but I went inside my own head a bit and crawled all over myself: hypocrite much? Would I have wanted to silence Benjy's hands? No. I am not a hypocrite, I just wanted to help him gird his loins, if necessary, for the slings and arrows of-- but then I thought about it some more-- a world that is largely not the same as it was. The world is better now.  It really actually is, and it is moving in the right direction.

Not that it is easy now.  Now, we are called burdens and a crisis and a national epidemic. Horrible "schools" still need to be closed yet and children are being killed to this day as a result of the way we are portrayed. But people are starting to protest this, people's mothers are starting to notice and say Hey: stop talking about my baby like that, I'm talking to you: stop it right now. And they are going to have to listen. And we are saying it and we are typing it and we are even getting into Washington DC and on TV and saying Hey: stop talking about us like that, I'm talking to you: stop it right now.  And they are going to have to listen. And things will change even more. Autistics and our families TOGETHER.

When I was in school, we were called nothing, we were nowhere, we were hidden in institutions, a mystery, something to be very afraid of. Violent, "idiot savants" (I have actually been called "idiot savant" to my face in front of a room full of people) and "morons" and "mentally retarded with autistic features" (I am sorry for the language but I have read so much of this language in the historical files of my friends). Any "refrigerator mother" who was defiant or foolish enough to keep us out of institutions deserved what she got and there weren't enough of those to get us on protected lists or legal classifications or parent to parent support networks. Our mothers, forever at fault, had no way to find each other, and every reason to hide themselves in shame trying to rebuild their lives, since most of them would never see their children again.  For those who kept their children against all odds, they needed support even more, but where to find it? Probably we would become homelessness statistics and end up in jails if we could talk; and if we couldn't, the protection people would put us in institutions anyway and arrest the alleged "refrigerator mothers" who had tried to keep us out, if they were poor, or make them poor, if they had financial means.

The world changes slowly, but it changes, and I am celebrating that, today. If Benjy does his hands like that because he is stimming, if JoJo rocks because he rocks like I rock, may the world keep moving into the world I want it to be for him. May I be tireless in helping to see this happen.

I am a mother.  I know what the depth of this prayer feels like.

Thanks for listening, and thanks to all who pray and enact it with me.

Ib

23 comments:

  1. Beautiful. Consider this my place marker comment since you keep writing things that hit me at such a personal level, I can't make a substantive public comment.

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    1. Thanks for talking to me anyway Bridget :) I love seeing you.

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  2. Thanks Ibby! This is just right. We are changing. I have hope for that like only a Mother would understand. You and Layenie ROCK! :) :)

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  3. You are not a hyprocrite. You are reflective and thoughtful and ever-questioning, just as you should be.

    May I be tireless in helping you and our friends and our children. You and your family is beautiful.

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    1. You and your family: also beautiful :) Thanks for the kind words!

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  4. This is the first time I have your post. As the mother of a 15 year old asperger son may I say what you wrote resonated with me. I look forward to reading many more.

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    1. I hope to see you a lot! Your name is beautiful. Also, I love the word "resonated." It is literally and figuratively sounding musical to me :)

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  5. This is a wonderful post, Ibby.

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  6. Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing it with me/us. My son walks about in circles quickly when he is excited. I love it when he does it, he looks so happy and so free. I wish I could be so unselfconscious that I could express my joy and excitement so physically and so openly without any embarrassment. Flap away (: we'll catch up with you (:

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    1. Flap! I'll bet he notices that you love it when he is happy, instead of telling him to tone it down and shut it. This is another thing you have in common with lovely Layenie in the story above, who also gives me tea! All of the sons on this page will grow up secure and free to be gleeful :)

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  7. Great post! I have this habit of looking at young babies to see if they respond to me with smiles because my son never did so I know exactly what you mean. I'm also slightly obsessed with looking for "autistic traits" in myself or non-autistic traits in my son just "ordinary OCD" etc.

    Hubby meanwhile refuses to psycho-analyse me LOL.

    I had a great chat with a former Mental Health Nurse who also said they used horrible categories for their patients in the past like the ones you mentioned. Thankfully things have changed.

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    1. You can say that again! Love seeing you here Anna, thanks for coming! :)

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  8. Beautifully said, and your tiny grace notes are lucky to have you.

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  9. Thank you so much, Carol, for your kind words :)

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  10. This is incredibly beautiful. This may be my naivete speaking but I absolutely love my autistic daughter's flappy hands. It is one of my favorite things that she does. And I love that my younger daughter does flappy hands now when she is excited. I'm pretty sure she is neurotypical. But she learned to do it from watching her beautiful sister when she is excited and happy. My youngest loves her sister and wants to be like her big sister. Your little guys (who are beautiful by the way) are probably imitating you because they love you and they want to be like you. From what I can see, wanting to be like you--no matter how their brains are wired is perfect and natural. The world is changing--too slowly, but it is. You're wonderful :)

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    1. You're wonderful, Beth. So glad we found you!

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  11. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  12. I have arrived! Total nonsensical spam to delete.

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  13. My son is flappy when he is super happy. And he spins to manage stress. My brain does the same little "hitch" - will he be ok in the world? But it's him, and I'm not going to stop it because it might make "me" calmer. Hugs to you :)

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