tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post3460730206884242571..comments2024-01-18T05:02:46.000-08:00Comments on Tiny Grace Notes (Ask an Autistic): Socialization and InclusionElizabeth J. (Ibby) Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08330631899371657005noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-28597169394296702972012-10-18T12:39:02.575-07:002012-10-18T12:39:02.575-07:00Rock on!! It sounds like you and he are doing GRE...Rock on!! It sounds like you and he are doing GREAT! I was worried when I read the horrible end but it sounds like you took the horrible and kind of gave it the finger.<br /><br />Tell me more?<br /><br />IbElizabeth J. (Ibby) Gracehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08330631899371657005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-7192830056407293332012-10-16T23:13:18.969-07:002012-10-16T23:13:18.969-07:00We opted to home educate our son at the age of 6. ...We opted to home educate our son at the age of 6. I agree, it is important to understand the child and act accordingly. We bucked the system - home education is not at all popular and battled with the school district and insurance companies to a horrible end for my family. <br /><br />In our home education time, we potty trained our son w/n 6 mos of bringing him home, he began to read within a year and a half and began speaking in full sentences. I can't emphasize enough the importance of a balance of sensory integration, physical exertion, and intellectual curiosity to fly free as well as shore up any learning difficulties - throughout the entire day - social outings are key. <br /><br />I hope and believe, we have provided our son with a good start, a ton of self confidence and a huge curiosity to be around others. We put him in social situations we believe he can handle - some are a sensory nightmare and some are more controlled. Over time, I hope we will be able to move forward with the intensive program he so thrived on - if we can get our finances back on track after the city we live in took out after us for advocating for our kiddo. I believe he can only fly further from here....he's not quite 13. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-33025173519960444072012-10-08T19:01:04.649-07:002012-10-08T19:01:04.649-07:00Ibby I think this is brilliant!
"But what I ...Ibby I think this is brilliant!<br /><br />"But what I do to thicken my skin is just substitute in my mind that they are making the same level of ignorant comment about something that is neutral to me, as in, "I don't understand why the cold and the flu and allergies are three different things, I mean, they all make your nose run, am I right?""<br /><br />I'm going to try this, I hope, later versus sooner ;)Janehttp://rateofattrition.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-64604457889837786632012-10-08T10:18:34.242-07:002012-10-08T10:18:34.242-07:00LOL. I will try the substituting thing. Kind of ...LOL. I will try the substituting thing. Kind of like imagining people in their underwear to take some of the pressure off yourself. Rosannanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-88126938721525854952012-10-08T08:08:20.880-07:002012-10-08T08:08:20.880-07:00Now the above regards a coping strategy I use for ...Now the above regards a coping strategy I use for people who are being slow-torture ignorami in my personal life-- but when it gets public and I see too many people saying the same type of wrongness then I will write a blog post about it like the one about Eric, because, you know, there is a tipping point, and there are limits. Sometimes it gets community-personal, and only so much ignorance can be tolerated in a just society. OK thanks for letting me share. IbElizabeth J. (Ibby) Gracehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08330631899371657005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-11127485720401251852012-10-08T08:03:50.283-07:002012-10-08T08:03:50.283-07:00What I try to do when someone makes ignorant comme...What I try to do when someone makes ignorant comments is think of them as unknowing and reflecting poorly on the speaker's knowledge level rather than hurtful to me in particular because that is closer to the true meaning of ignorant. If I feel like educating them maybe I will get around to it but really it is not about me, it is about their lack of knowledge. <br /><br />So this is hard to imagine but here is an example. Usually ignorant hurtful comments are about your business, like, "I don't understand why you are making such a big deal about [this thing that will cause you super trauma but I haven't bothered to ask you that in a respectful conversation-- or worse yet, you already told me but I forgot because I wasn't listening-- so I will make dismissive comments instead." And that is why they hurt. But what I do to thicken my skin is just substitute in my mind that they are making the same level of ignorant comment about something that is neutral to me, as in, "I don't understand why the cold and the flu and allergies are three different things, I mean, they all make your nose run, am I right?" Because that just sounds ignorant and you are like, dang, that was not a good idea to say out loud, it did not reflect well on the speaker at all, and that is who should be embarrassed. But I do not take it personally, because I do not feel it is personal. So for me, I try to put all misinformed ignorant comments in the second boat and, in my head, separate them from myself. They are nothing to do with me unless I am in the mood to be an educationally helpful person out of the pure goodness of my heart. Otherwise, the person can feel free to go around spouting off at the mouth making his or herself look unaware of the situation all day long and it's not on me. Does that make sense? Doesn't work all the time but it does enough that it has removed a LOT of stress from my life. IbElizabeth J. (Ibby) Gracehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08330631899371657005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-79719153404333258762012-10-07T14:00:12.532-07:002012-10-07T14:00:12.532-07:00EXACTLY! So glad that makes sense to someone, lol...EXACTLY! So glad that makes sense to someone, lol. Thanks Ibby. And of course you're right about my ILS and other such individuals making random hurtful comments. Still working on that thick skin here. Rosannanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-86664554528468498062012-10-06T13:53:35.661-07:002012-10-06T13:53:35.661-07:00LOL! I love that. Maybe it depends on the school a...LOL! I love that. Maybe it depends on the school and what you are doing to survive in it. And what you can do to survive in a place depends on you, what you are like. <br /><br />So it sounds like if you are too good at school, it is not good prep for life (not talking academics) but if you find it baffling and alien, it is a pretty good intro to life. That actually makes sense to me because it sounds like you had "school" all worked out and got nothing more out of it, then life being less structured slammed you; whereas I thought the structure of school was a wriggling slimy thing I had to stay vigilant about, so when I see life being like that I am all, "Argh, middle school scenario."<br /><br />I guess the moral of the story is that we are all different and what constitutes good exercise for us will vary in the details...Elizabeth J. (Ibby) Gracehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08330631899371657005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-31236824561289214902012-10-06T13:41:34.662-07:002012-10-06T13:41:34.662-07:00Me again, from my perspective, your in laws did no...Me again, from my perspective, your in laws did not know what they were talking about. The end goal isn't to "act normal" it is to have a good life. Are your in laws the exact age of each other? Serious advice time right here: save up your ears for people who have a reason to know what they are talking about. If other people feel like having random opinions, OK, free country, but you don't have to give it free rent in your brain and let it bring you down. People talk a lot. Take what you need and leave the rest sitting there for someone else to buy if they want it. /end rantElizabeth J. (Ibby) Gracehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08330631899371657005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-56693243480153326092012-10-06T13:35:23.397-07:002012-10-06T13:35:23.397-07:00I guess another point I was getting at is I don...I guess another point I was getting at is I don't think public school is necessarily good preparation for the real world. In my own case, I did well in school, but find the real world overwhelming. School really is a lot more structured and predictable, and it takes a lot less to get by, IMO. For instance, I was often teacher's pet because I would talk on and on and keep the class discussion going. The teacher didn't care that I was rambling b/c that was better than a room full of silence and blank stares. However, my ramblings didn't go over too well in workplace meetings, lol. Rosannanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-72154988620014645912012-10-06T13:33:30.143-07:002012-10-06T13:33:30.143-07:00Do you "know" the writer of AS Parenting...Do you "know" the writer of AS Parenting? Her kids do go to school but it takes a lot if work and advocacy... However a reason Melody might be really relatable is that she is also Autistic herself while being a mom. Maybe check it out or let me know if you have already been there? Elizabeth J. (Ibby) Gracehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08330631899371657005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-26987623901454266432012-10-06T13:30:40.893-07:002012-10-06T13:30:40.893-07:00Thanks Brenda. Yes I am the same Rosanna who post...Thanks Brenda. Yes I am the same Rosanna who posts on your blog and comments on your FB page, lol. I appreciate your input and I agree with what you're saying about forming relationships being the important thing, not necessarily "peer relationships." Because in real life, most people we associate with are not our exact same age, right? LOL. It can be hard though b/c we are constantly being told the opposite. For example, my son recently had his first 1:1 playdate. It was with a girl several yrs older than himself and with more severe disabilities. The hour at the park went well, but when I mentioned it to one of my in-laws, this person said my son should be playing with someone his own age and who is typical so that he can "learn how to act normal." Sigh. Rosannanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-89052843498481621922012-10-06T13:22:48.273-07:002012-10-06T13:22:48.273-07:00I already "know" Brenda from her blog, l...I already "know" Brenda from her blog, lol. But of course very glad for her input! Rosannanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-63053604197838123022012-10-06T12:31:15.349-07:002012-10-06T12:31:15.349-07:00Thanks Brenda! I also had older-kid friends not fr...Thanks Brenda! I also had older-kid friends not from school and that was great because they did have patience but not, you know, that parental totally on your team no matter what thing that makes practicing hanging out with parents count differently if you see what I mean. So glad you came because I forgot about that. It's not the age so much as the type of practice. And making sure it is not too much so you melt down and get nothing out of it (I'm looking at you, non-alternative high school.)Elizabeth J. (Ibby) Gracehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08330631899371657005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-4045786795599090382012-10-06T12:19:34.875-07:002012-10-06T12:19:34.875-07:00P.S. The sitters come to our home while I'm he...P.S. The sitters come to our home while I'm here. And tha's when I write. ;) Those sitters have become my friends, too. So it's a win/win.<br />Brenda Rothman (Mama Be Good)https://www.blogger.com/profile/17399227210081662280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-17387890670575039122012-10-06T12:14:53.869-07:002012-10-06T12:14:53.869-07:00*phew* Okay, sorry I'm late. The traffic was ...*phew* Okay, sorry I'm late. The traffic was horrific. ;)<br /><br />What an interesting discussion you've had on socialization and school! I do appreciate your sharing your experiences, Ibby. Very interesting. <br /><br />I don't know if this is Rosanna I know from my blog, but if it is Good to see you!<br /><br />I wrote about socialization recently in case you haven't read it: http://mamabegood.blogspot.com/2012/09/social-skills-and-autism-3-steps.html<br /><br />There are different ways of making relationships and for my child, he would not have been doing that in school. He would have gone under. So unschooling it is! Some ways we have of meeting a variety of people:<br /><br />Hire college-age and high school sitters. These guys and gals have been Jack's best friends. Some have only been with him for a season, others for years. He remembers every single one. Their job and their only job is to play with him. He adores them. His best friend is a 26-year-old guy who hasn't forgotten how to be a kid. Jack even went to his wedding. This is a friend Jack will never forget.<br /><br />Teen or younger family members, like cousins, siblings. I usually have to play with them, too. Do something they like and something your child likes. Your child is still forming relationships even if you're there.<br /><br />Exploring things that Jack likes. We know all the people at the bowling alley. The employees especially. We know all the people at the horse barn. I've taken brownies to the garage door factory. <br /><br />Join a local homeschooling group. Find neighbors to hang out with. Let your child just observe. I don't believe it's necessary to shoehorn them in to a group, just because.<br /><br />I believe the foundation of what we call "socialization" is really just forming relationships. And I think that translates across the board to all age ranges. For me, personally, I don't believe it *has* to be with peer-age or that my son's missing out on something because he prefers older friends. He's able to connect with people and form relationships. That's what matters.<br /><br />Did I answer anyone's questions?Brenda Rothman (Mama Be Good)https://www.blogger.com/profile/17399227210081662280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-49407070731930215492012-10-06T11:52:22.551-07:002012-10-06T11:52:22.551-07:00Yay! Brenda is coming! Rosanna, this is Brenda; Br...Yay! Brenda is coming! Rosanna, this is Brenda; Brenda, Rosanna.Elizabeth J. (Ibby) Gracehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08330631899371657005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-12534182132489303872012-10-06T11:43:21.015-07:002012-10-06T11:43:21.015-07:00Yeesh yeah that sounds pretty cesspoolish! I'm...Yeesh yeah that sounds pretty cesspoolish! I'm going to try and get my friend to come over here.Elizabeth J. (Ibby) Gracehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08330631899371657005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-39921509582679829682012-10-05T15:40:53.384-07:002012-10-05T15:40:53.384-07:00I wouldn't tell them, but I'll say this, t...I wouldn't tell them, but I'll say this, the one I think of who has the "1" is the person we named as guardian for our child should something happen to both of us!Janehttp://rateofattrition.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-89334710752745534382012-10-05T12:51:43.581-07:002012-10-05T12:51:43.581-07:00Hi again, Ibby. Thanks for your patience with my ...Hi again, Ibby. Thanks for your patience with my rambling. Yes, I probably would like a one or two real friends and a bit more social exposure for my son. I'm just not sure what else to do besides what I'm already doing. And like I said, my school district is a cesspool, so I really don't want to go that route--I recently bumped into an acquaintance at Wal-mart who said she is pulling her daughter out of school b/c she came home soaked in urine from head to toe! Rosannanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-70353984131984263622012-10-05T11:08:51.190-07:002012-10-05T11:08:51.190-07:00Hehe, I kind of love arbitrary friendship coeffici...Hehe, I kind of love arbitrary friendship coefficients. Now just make sure they don't read this and ask you which one they are!Elizabeth J. (Ibby) Gracehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08330631899371657005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-58797232833658064582012-10-05T11:07:06.719-07:002012-10-05T11:07:06.719-07:00Totally agree, hence "potential friend exposu...Totally agree, hence "potential friend exposure." Some adults seem to think all kids are friends. No way. But I had friends when I was little who were friends, and there were little mean people hanging around trying to use me for whatever -- just like real life. My sons are tiny right now but I know I won't be wanting to put them into any cesspools of corruption! If however the environment is the usual as in having just some negative people and aspects I think they should have access and I will always be there to explain things and listen and have their back and provide any guidance I can.Elizabeth J. (Ibby) Gracehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08330631899371657005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-4508388278295861362012-10-05T09:02:48.250-07:002012-10-05T09:02:48.250-07:00I'm going in a different angle using Rosanna&#...I'm going in a different angle using Rosanna's comment about her child not having "friends" but I think this is related to socialization at large.<br /><br />Maybe I'm very anal-retentive about definitions, but I have an issue with adults naming relationships for their children. I see this happen a lot. Peers are automatically labeled "friends" by adults when they are nothing like the sort, as in, "be nice and share toys with your friends!" (I take issue with the word "share", another rant for another day) I've heard this in a classroom setting as well.<br /><br />My child's peers in class are not my child's "friends" -- they are his classmates. <br /><br />Children who play with my child are accurately described as "playmates". <br /><br />My definition of "friend" is a conscious decision and is appropriate when a child is older, understands what a friendship may entail (he should define this for himself, however), and then act on his definition to choose people who have earned his friendship.<br /><br />I also agree that it is unproductive to place a child in a very negative environment in the name of socialization!Janehttp://rateofattrition.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-13886016851653488602012-10-05T08:48:33.767-07:002012-10-05T08:48:33.767-07:00Ah -- thank you for asking!
I'd say "fri...Ah -- thank you for asking!<br /><br />I'd say "friendly acquaintance" because the potential may be there to develop a deeper friendship, but the time needed to manifest is not there or at least not there right now.<br /><br />Now I'm thinking, it looks a bit like this: (using an arbitrary "friendship coefficient") --<br /><br />1.00Friend<br />0.75Friend<br />0.75Friend<br />------------<br />2.50Friends<br /><br />It is not easy to be friends with me haha.Janehttp://rateofattrition.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1725958813857579465.post-52206400069770608002012-10-05T08:18:01.980-07:002012-10-05T08:18:01.980-07:00And I will try to get a guest interview segment fo...And I will try to get a guest interview segment for this blog from my awesome Mom when I have enough questions lined up for her :) Hi Mom! xxooElizabeth J. (Ibby) Gracehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08330631899371657005noreply@blogger.com