Meltdowns vs Tantrums (A New Mother Feels Alone)

I feel like I've just found a pot of gold! Is it really true that we can ask questions and you'll answer them? And that you're really autistic?! I'm flustered and don't know where to start! To distill down the story of my life which is now one big question and so few answers, I'll share this. Some weeks ago (exactly 11 weeks tomorrow, but who is counting anyway?) my 2 year old son was diagnosed with autism. The Dr believes him to be "moderate." That same week, his father, and my partner was also dx'd on the spectrum. I'm lonely and sad. I really don't know what "moderately autistic" means, or how to handle some of the behaviors my son exhibits. As an example, is it best to try to discipline tantrums, or is this something that he can't help? I want him to be thoroughly and authentically himself. But this want is conflicted with my overwhelming desire for him to fit in socially to avoid any unkindness coming in his direction. I feel terrible scolding him for acting up - should I? Is there a better way?

Dear Goldie,  (I am just making that up to call you, because I hope you did find a pot of gold; I hope I can do something good for you here.  You deserve to feel better and it would be my honor to be a part of that in any way I can...)

It's true, you can, and I am.  :)  Thanks for coming.

Here I will talk a little about the difference between meltdowns and tantrums, how you can tell, how to manage each in a quick super-effective way my mother used with me that has a good side effect for your stress level and doesn't involve having to scold/feel terrible (not that effective in either case, and I'll explain why in both cases).  Also I want to talk about how I think I might understand why you are feeling lonely, and my perspective on why I have evidence that some of the reason you feel lonely might be actually data suggesting that you are awesome.  Lastly, the fact that your son's father, your partner, is also on the spectrum can be used to your advantage, especially if everyone embraces it.  I have something to say about that as well because it took me sooooooooo long to embrace it and if I knew then what I know now... well.  I know it now so I'm hoping to save others some time and grief.

First, the immediately practical.

Tantrums and meltdowns can look very similar, especially when carried out by a two year old.  The primary difference is why they are happening and what they communicate.  You can tell the difference if you look at the scenario going on around the kid, what happened before and during, and also with practice by looking straight at the kid, listening to breathing patterns, hands over ears, not noticing whether you are noticing, etc.

I want to say straight off that I believe all two year old people are capable of having both tantrums and meltdowns, and will do so depending on the scenario.  The trouble with being autistic is that you have meltdowns a lot more and people think they are tantrums, so people think you are constantly having tantrums.  That is why I really want to speak about the difference, even though I am ultimately going to suggest a similar approach (but not for the exact same reasons, funnily enough).

In a tantrum, I am angry, trying to get something, or work it.  I am thinking something like this:

"I will NOT leave this SPOT until THOSE CHOCODRAGONS ARE IN THAT CART!!!!!  HOW IS IT THAT NOBODY HEARS ME!!!  I AM IBBY!!!!  I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!!!!!"  On the outside, I may be sitting there screaming, kicking, etc.  Chances are, I will look at my parents or guardians to be sure they are noticing.  This is often the primary dead giveaway.

In a meltdown, I am panicky, needing to escape, overwhelmed with too much or conflicting information or sensory horribleness, and cannot take it anymore.  I am thinking something like this:

"Aaaaaaaaauuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  If I could think straighter, so that words were involved, it might translate to something like, "My ears can't take the nightmarish din!  The lights burn holes in my eyes even if I close them, and my head throbs in a rhythm different from the muzak, which is torturing me!  People swarm they swarm why are they talking so much talk so loud dissonant why does she yell at him that man might want not to whistle when he has no pitch ack and the peanut butter is in the wrong place! THE WRONG PLACE THAT IS IT I AM DONE FOR!"  But these thoughts are rapid and really sound more like my first rendition. On the outside, I may be sitting there screaming, kicking, etc.  Chances are, if I'm looking at my parent or guardian at all, I look more drowning than angry, but probably cannot look, and have my hands over my ears or hitting the floor the cart-handle or even myself, eyes screwed shut in attempted escape.

So, tantrum is anger, and meltdown is panic.

Here is why scolding doesn't work either time, and there is a better way, but when you hear it, I hope it will change your life.  I think when my mother came up with it, life with baby-me became ever so much less of a nightmare in public.  :)

In a tantrum situation, you may scold, but because tantrum is anger, that sets up a power struggle.  You cannot really win this power struggle, because your two year old is totally not embarrassed about acting like that in public, whereas you are mortified by the insensitive, judgmental people staring daggers at you.  Kid wins.

In a meltdown situation, you may scold, but because the kid is totally overloaded, chances are you are probably not getting through at all and nothing you say is even being heard over the din of the heinous fluorescent audiovisual buzzhum mixed with the everlasting human yimmer-yammer and the competitions of the multiple musics and lasers and cash registers out of rhythm off of key and the whooshing thud of the heartbeat of panic trying to block it out when he can't even trust where the peanut butter is....  Not useful.

My mother's magic fix works equally in both situations for either reason.

Here's how it goes.

First, very early on in the process, my mother quietly, calmly would say something like, "If you settle down, we can stay." This would make there be a choice if it happened to be a tantrum where I could cut it out still and might want to choose self-regulation and staying.  If it was going to be a meltdown, of course I did not want to stay, and also I would not be able to settle down, so this was a win-win item of communication.

Then, if I wouldn't or couldn't settle down, we would promptly leave the environment, just immediately pick up and go, into a quiet place, preferably as green as possible, which is calming.  Here is why this is a good idea in either circumstance:

1.  The tantrum: There goes the Chocodragons, not in the cart, no chance of getting in the cart ever, and the judgy busybodies who think they could do so much better than you don't have time to formulate that thought, let alone stare meaningfully at you trying to let you know it.  Meanwhile, if this happens consistently, I am soon to learn that the tantrum is the least effective method of getting my way known to childkind.

2.  The meltdown: You are my hero.  The world had become a roiling nightmare and you fixed it.  When this feeling of overwhelm keeps happening to me I will probably keep melting down at some point because I cannot help it, but I will feel calmer in general knowing that you are there and you know how to make things better.  My general anxiety level will decrease as my trust increases because I have been understood.

It made me very happy to read where you said you wanted your son to be thoroughly and authentically himself. I think it is not possible to prevent unkindness from coming anyone’s way, because people are going to be how they are going to be, even if this includes some unfortunate meanness and ignorance.  But having such a supportive mother in your corner who gives you the confidence to be yourself with a clean heart and courageous mind makes a lot of unkindness bounce off of you in ways it would not bounce off if you were more insecure because you could tell your family wished you were different.  So your son is off to a very, very good start as far as I can see!  Let the mean people change; there is no reason for people who are minding their own business just being themselves to change in order to suit the mean people.  This is a thing the world needs to learn to do better and I clearly see that you can be one of the right-minded ones with good instincts who help get this new direction flowing.

The last thing I wanted to talk about was that you have the possibility of much community if you are interested and do not have to do things alone.  I really don’t want you to have to feel sad and lonely because just from your writing I can tell you are awesome.  Other evidence I have that you are awesome is that people on the spectrum are known to be kind of on the picky side, and your partner is now known by me to be on the spectrum, so, logically, a picky person picked you, therefore… you follow me.  More reason to believe you are awesome.

Chapters of the Autistic Self Advocacy Network  (ASAN) which your partner could join anywhere work differently, but I know the one in Chicago also welcomes family members such as yourself who value neurodiversity, which is to say you are someone who wants people to be able to be authentically themselves instead of having to pretend to be “normal,” whatever that means.  I don’t know where you live, of course.  But feel free to contact me back again to put you in touch with the communities in your area.  On Facebook, also, if you enjoy networking online, there are many satisfying ways to make friends who understand, and I could introduce you around, if you feel that is something you would like to have happen.

The fact that your partner is on the spectrum himself could be a wonderful resource if he is in a place where he is ready to embrace it.  He might not be, though.  It took me a while to feel good about it because of the way the world can be.  But things are changing now, for the better.  If he is OK with  his own diagnosis, though, the sky is the limit on ways he can be a role model.  There are excellent groups also on the internet for AS parenting I can hook you up with.

The last thing I want to say is that if other things come up and you just want to write back here instead of getting into communities and everything, please feel free and welcome!  You don’t have to “come out” on Facebook or anything, and I’m not trying to make you do that.  Just be Anonymous if you like, but tell me you are Goldie :) .

All the best,

Ib