Monday, March 3, 2014

Accidental Bully: I don't want to be that person

There is a person out there whose experience was me bullying him, but it seems like he more feels like my non-autistic friends should have been stopping me and has never come to me about it. I wish he would, because I want to tell him I am sorry for hurting him.

Let me tell you, at the time I felt like I was passionately defending my friend. I felt like this guy was being mean to her. I felt right about my self. But read further for what I have learned about this.

And here's another thing. I am not trying to tone police other people. This is all kinds of wrong.

But right now I am talking about my own self.

Intention is not magic. It does not matter if I think I was right in my opinions. What matters to me is that I hurt somebody. I got so passionate that I forgot to be COMpassionate.

Some people might know this guy I'm talking about, but not know that the bully he talks about is Autistic. It is. It's me. Please show him this, show him I'm sorry I hurt him, and the reason I haven't told him myself is because I don't know how to contact aliases. I'm not very computer savvy.

But I totally get it now that me feeling right about what I am saying does NOT give me the right to go around hurting other people. It does not.

So some moms asked me to join this flash blog against cyber bullying. And it broke my heart, because really? People's moms cyber bullying each other? What is this world coming to?

And then I remembered I accidentally bullied someone once.

Aspie Kid, I'm sorry I hurt you. I one hundred percent did not mean to, but I get that what I meant is not the same thing as what actually happened to you. This is important.

Everyone else in the world, please join me in deciding once and for all not to be that person.

 [Image description: Logo for FlashBlog, which says Don't Ignore Cyber Bullying, Mon. March 3rd 2014. It's a claymation looking guy trying to step through one of those red negation signs as in No Smoking or so forth, and he might succeed, as the slash on it is covering his chest like a sash, and he has momentum, and one of his feet is through the red circle already along with both his hands and the top of his head.]


  1. Me too. I am hoping this will get back to him and also get forward so people can learn about accidental bullying and not be a bully either accidentally or on purpose. It's a terribly problem. xx Thanks for writing. Love, Ib

  2. As a person who is often accused of being mean-spirited this makes me not want to ever say anything ever again.
    No one ever tells me what they think they heard me say so how can I stop saying it? They just leave.Except for the one who accused me of making up a disability so I can get away with being such a horrible person. Because I apologized wrong. She left too but not without lots of not very nice words.
    Which sure felt like bullying to me.

  3. Oh dear, I'm sorry Jo, I didn't mean it like that. I mean for me I totally know that feeling, since I often hurt people's feelings by accident. All my life I have done this. But I just keep trying to get it right, like in that Chumba Wumba song, I Get Knocked Down, And I Get Up Again... now that right there ear worm, I did that deliberately. Nobody will have any other thoughts today other than GET THAT SONG OUT MY DANG HEAD. Hehe.

  4. I understand this. It took me a very long time to learn that intent isn't the only defining factor in conversations.. I've hurt a lot of people by being so hard headed about my intent. Mostly because I couldn't really understand why someone would be hurt by something I did not mean to cause hurt. I was selfishly focusing on ME and not THEM.

    Then one day I figured it all out (it was a huge A-HA moment in my life)...all I had to do was understand I hurt them and that THAT is the most important thing... even if I do not understand why they are hurt. "I'm sorry I hurt you" helps a lot of situations. I wish I had learned about that a lot earlier in life.

    ♥ Great piece Ib, I hope the person you are speaking about catches wind of it.

  5. oh, ib, i love you. i just do. this is so human, so wonderful and open and willing and this, this right here is what will allow us all to bend just a little, this idea that none of us is immune from hurting each other, that none of us is above learning how to be better, that all of us can stop and say not "what do you need to change?" but instead, "what can *i change*?" you are a hell of a role model,my friend. hugs.

  6. Ibby, I have such respect for you.

  7. I've had these kinds of aha-moments, too, and they make me wince every time I remember them. It's a painful learning process and I wish my neurology had allowed me to learn these things much faster and at a much younger age, so I wouldn't have contributed *so much* to the hurt that exists in this world.

    But at least, and at last, I am learning, and like you said, I hope the people I have hurt catch wind of the fact that I recognize my mistakes and am learning not to behave like that anymore, and that I am genuinely sorry for the hurt I have caused.

  8. Must say this again, as it occurs to me again: a really good name for this website would be "Blog For Lovely and Kindhearted Souls to Read and Make the Writer Glad to Be in the World." Love love love. Love, Ib